by Debbie Zeichner, LCSW-Parent Coach
This may not be something you think about often, but here’s the thing…we’re not just raising kids, we’re raising adults. And as we do this…
We’re shaping the inner voice they’ll carry for life.
The way they treat themselves (and others).
The way they handle hard things.
The way they love and let themselves be loved.
…and, no surprise, so much of this starts with how we, as parents, show up.
I know it can feel like a lot and if you’re wondering where to start, I’ve got you covered!
Here are some helpful steps you can take to raise emotionally healthy kids who grow into emotionally healthy, confident and resilient adults…
Let them feel ALL of their feelings. (Even the messy, loud, inconvenient ones).
Crying? It’s natural. Angry? Understandable. Upset about a boundary? Totally normal.
Kids who feel seen don’t need to shut down to survive.
Let mistakes teach, not shame.
When kids mess up, they don’t need lectures, they need leadership. This might sound like: “Everyone makes mistakes. Let’s figure out what to do next.”
This invites growth instead of guilt.
Do your best to model calm (even when you’re about to lose it).
Let’s be real – this isn’t easy. But your nervous system teaches theirs. So instead of snapping, try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to pause and take a breath.” Remember, our kids learn what we practice, not what we preach.
Set boundaries with kindness AND firmness.
Boundaries don’t hurt kids – they help them feel safe. Setting a limit in this way might sound like: “I won’t let you hit. I see you’re mad. Let’s find another way.”
Firm + Kind = Secure + Respected
Let them struggle (a bit).
Discomfort is where growth happens. Forget the homework? Lose a game? Didn’t get their way? These moments are what help them build grit, coping and resilience. Rather than rushing in to fix or solve, practice just being present and help them come up with solutions, when needed.
Play, laugh, connect…and really listen.
Remember, connection is at the heart of it all. This looks like:
- Stepping into their world (to understand life from their perspective)
- Getting playful (it’s the language they speak)
- Tuning into both what they say and what they can’t express…yet.
Emotionally healthy adults remember being valued as a kid, not just managed.
Repair often and authentically.
Messing up isn’t the problem…avoiding repair is.
Repair sounds like, “I yelled at you earlier and that wasn’t fair. I apologize. Next time, I need to step away and take a break instead of reacting.” This helps teach accountability, healthy communication and emotional safety.
It’s SO easy to get caught up in the day-to-day chaos, just trying to get through. Trust me, I get it! Give yourself grace and moments to slow down when you can. Raising an emotionally healthy adult starts by being the safe place your child can fall apart and still feel loved. Most importantly, cut yourself some slack and know that you’re doing the work that matters most!
Keep going…You’ve got this!
If you could use some support around how to raise kids who not only feel their emotions but actually understand and manage them, I’d love to support you! With 1:1 coaching, we’ll work together to realistically and effectively navigate the challenges you’re facing, help you feel more confident when things get emotional and support your kids in learning to manage and cope with their “big feelings” in healthy ways.
Debbie Zeichner, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coach who has specialized in working with adults, children and families for over 17 years. Debbie is a Certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) Parent Educator and is also a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator. Inspired by the challenges of motherhood, Debbie developed a passion for all things parent-related and began a quest to educate herself and others on positive techniques to enhance and foster healthy and harmonious family relationships. As a parenting coach and educator, she brings together her knowledge and expertise in the areas of positive parenting and social/emotional development to assist parents dealing with the struggles of parenthood. Debbie obtained her BA in Psychology and Family Studies from the University of Arizona and her Masters Degree in Social Work from San Diego State University. She is a proud mother of two. Debbie provides workshops, classes and private consultations. For more information visit her website www.debbiezeichnerlcsw.com or call her 858-822-8878.