by Debbie Zeichner LCSW, parent coach & educator
If you’ve ever heard yourself say, “I’ve asked you three times already” and “Why aren’t you listening? …you’re in very good company.
I’ve had so many of those moments, standing in the kitchen, asking once, then again and feeling myself getting more irritated, thinking, why is this so hard right now?! And here’s what I’ve come to understand over the years, both as a parent and in coaching so many parents.
Most of the time, when kids aren’t listening, it’s not about willingness. It’s about skills.
Listening, stopping something they’re enjoying and shifting gears are all things that take time for kids to learn. Their brain is still developing that ability to shift and it takes years. Like when they’re building something and you ask them to come to dinner or they’re in the middle of a show and you need them to get in the bath…
And when they’re tired, hungry, overstimulated or already a little off, those skills are even harder to access. What looks like defiance is often overwhelm in disguise.
Here’s the part that can feel really hard. When it keeps happening, again and again, it can wear on you. It’s the end of the day, you’ve already asked nicely, you’re holding a lot and it starts to feel like nothing is working. Of course you feel frustrated in those moments. That makes sense…I did too! And those are usually the moments where our kids need a little more support to do what we’re asking. Not because they’re trying to be difficult, but because their brain is having a hard time shifting.
Here’s what tends to help:
- Pause before jumping in again
I know how tempting it is to repeat ourselves (I still catch myself doing it). Instead, pause, take a breath and then try again more intentionally. - Get close before you ask
Instead of calling out from across the room, walk over and get on their level. You might gently put a hand on their shoulder or back to help get their attention. “I know you’re really into this…and it’s time for dinner.” Using “and” instead of “but” helps your child feel understood while still holding the limit. - Let them know you get it
“I know how much you love playing this game…it’s hard to stop when you’re having fun.” When kids feel seen, heard, understood and valued, they’re much more likely to “listen” and cooperate. - Give them a minute
After you make a request, pause. Fun fact… it can take a child’s brain up to about 18 seconds to process what you’ve said or asked. So if they don’t respond right away, it doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you…their brain may just still be catching up. - Bring in a little playfulness when you can
“Should we hop like bunnies to the bathroom or tiptoe like ninjas?” Play is the language kids speak and it can go a long way in helping them shift more easily.
Over time, this is how listening develops…not from being told over and over what to do, but from feeling supported while they learn how to do it. If this has been feeling hard lately, you’re not alone. These moments can feel especially challenging when you’re already stretched thin…and even when it doesn’t feel like it, you’re doing important work. Your child is learning right alongside you.
Please know you don’t have to figure this out on your own. This is exactly what I support parents through in my 1:1 coaching.
Keep going…You’ve got this!
Debbie Zeichner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coach who has specialized in working with adults, children and families for over 17 years. Debbie is a Certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) Parent Educator and is also a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator. Inspired by the challenges of motherhood, Debbie developed a passion for all things parent-related and began a quest to educate herself and others on positive techniques to enhance and foster healthy and harmonious family relationships. As a parenting coach and educator, she brings together her knowledge and expertise in the areas of positive parenting and social/emotional development to assist parents dealing with the struggles of parenthood. Debbie obtained her BA in Psychology and Family Studies from the University of Arizona and her Masters Degree in Social Work from San Diego State University. She is a proud mother of two. Debbie provides workshops, classes and private consultations. For more information visit her website www.debbiezeichnerlcsw.com or call her 858-822-8878.